a heart of thanksgiving

it has been 3 days since kinleys surgery, and i finally feel like i can blog about it without loosing it. every time i have tried to type the words of what happened...i can't see from the tears pouring out of my eyes. it was such a horrible day, but at the same time if feel so overwhelmed at how thankful i am God heard our prayers!

i guess i will start at the beginning....
we headed to the hospital early thursday morning for kinley to get her adenoids out, replace her ear tubes and possibly take her tonsils out. we checked in to children's, kinley was being her usual cute self....smiling at everyone and being a total ham :)

she got changed into her cute little hospital gown, mark and i changed into our OR attire.... we were ready to go.i was of course nervous as any mom would be to walk her child to the operating room for surgery, but i was also calm that this was a routine surgery that was "no big deal". so many kid have this surgery everyday. i just wanted to get it over with so that kinley could maybe get started onto a road of health.

the time came and mark and i walked her down the long hall to the operating room, kinley smiled and waved at people as we walked past hospital staff. i sat her on the OR table and she calmly looked around at everyone in the room. the anesthesia team was ready and we had to do what is the worst part...hold her down as she fights the mask that will put her to sleep. this time she didn't fight it too bad she just closed her sweet baby blues and fell asleep quickly. mark and i gave her a quick kiss and we were out of the room to go wait in the waiting room till they called us that she was done with surgery. we got settled in the waiting room and i glued my eyes to the screen that has corresponding numbers of all the patients there for surgery. the number would change color from when they went from one area to the next...preop...to intraop...to pacu...to dc area. i couldn't take my eyes off the screen, i prayed and prayed for my baby girl. mark said "brooke it is like watching a pot boil" ...but i couldn't stop. eventually her number switched to pacu and they called us to go be by her in recovery.
as we walked up to her bedside....the nurse looked at us with a nervous smile as she was holding oxygen over kinley's face...i looked at the monitor and her pulse ox was in the 50's....and my baby was blue. my heart sank and before i could say anything she slowly started turning pink. the nurse said it was okay for me to hold her. so i got comfortable in the rocking chair holding my sleeping baby girl. the nurse said she was surprised kinley had not opened her eyes yet, but assured mark and i that it was normal for some kids to take their time waking up. kinley at times would fight us almost acting like she was in pain...but she would NOT OPEN HER EYES.

she continued to need oxygen and every time we tried to take it away she would drop quickly to the 70-80s. we tried talking to her, rubbing her back, but every time we seemed to stimulate her too much she would stop breathing . at one point the nurse asked me to try to give her a drink with her sippy cup to see if that would wake her up..but that was a BAD idea. she stopped breathing again and went stiff. her oxygen saturation continued to drop i laid her in her bed and a crowd soon drew around her bedside. people were calling for help ...but soon she started breathing . the ent doctor that did her surgery, and the anesthesia doctor came to see us and said surgery went great, but she seemed to just be taking more time then expected to wake up. they said we would continue to watch her. they moved us the second phase of recovery. it was a small private room where they said we would say for a couple hours until she was able to wake up and drink some fluids. at this point, mark and i were both concerned, but hoping that what everyone was telling us was true and that she just needed more time. there was a couple times in the next hour or so that kinley did open her eyes, but it was a blank empty stare and the her eyes would roll around and she would fall back asleep. she continued to need oxygen and any time we bugged her or stimulate her she would quit breathing. it was becoming more and more scary. the nurse called the doctor and he came by and said it was starting to become clear that kinley would probably need to stay overnight to be monitored since she was not yet waking up. but he said it was nothing to worry about. i so wanted to believe him...i kept saying to myself that i was just being a overprotective mom and i needed to trust the doctors. after about another 30 min they finally said enough was enough and they were going to get her a bed in the inpatient hospital. we were just waiting for a room to get cleaned and ready for us. the nurse came in around noon and wanted to flush her iv to get it started again. she went to flush it and it was not what kinley was ready for ...she quit breathing, her oxygen saturation started to fall quickly and again a team of people ran to her bedside...she went really stiff and appeared to have some sort of seizure activity. we were all scared....the nurses...us...everyone. finally she started breathing after what seemed too long and we were whisked up to the 9th floor.
the next 2-3 hrs were our nightmare come true. over and over and over again she would quit breathing. she would not wake up and was not improving. i started freaking out...i kept saying over and over again...that something was not right and we needed to figure it out. the 2 nurses up there were wonderful and pretty much stayed with us. they kept going over the story and trying to put the pieces together about why this was happening. i kept asking if she was going to wake up and be okay and no one could give me an answer. the tears could not stop falling out of my eyes, i was on the verge of out of control. i kept thinking..this cannot be happening... she had what appeared to be 2 more "seizures" and the nurses called the doctors to her bedside. something was not right. the resident came and i think was surprised by kinley's condition. she had been given report on it, but until she saw it with her own eyes, i don't think she understood. as we waited for orders to be put in for a chest xray, i held kinley and gathered myself. every fear of "what if she never wakes us." "what if her brain is not okay" "what if ... what if...what if"...was cleared from my head. i whispered in her ear that i loved her, i said how special she was and that i knew she was strong, i told her that she had a strong brain, i told her that god would take care of her, i told her that our family needed her, i told her that i knew she could wake up, i told her i believed in her, i just kept saying these things over and over in her ear. all of the sudden she tried to open her eyes and she stuck her fingers in my mouth like she always does, and she smiled. i could not hold the tears back...i knew it would be okay. the doctor and nurse's came in and asked if i was okay and i told them that she looked at me for the first time knowing i was her mom. it was only for a second but it was all i needed, it was kinley taking care of me....letting me know it was going to be okay. after that it was not all easy but i had a new hope that it was going to be okay. we were taken for a chest xray and slowly but surely she was waking up. we then got admitted to the intensive care unit. they were concerned with her respiratory status and her having possible seizures. around 5pm we got settled into our room in the icu and she was definitely turning the corner....it had been the longest 8 hrs of our life waiting for this sweet girl to wake up. a couple doctors came and saw her and said at this point they were fairly confident she had a anesthesia reaction of some sort and they wanted to continue to watch her overnight. by 6pm she was awake, did not need oxygen and was even smiling!!!

i spent a lot of that night holding our little girl thanking the lord he had given her back to us, thanking him that all my "what if's" didn't happen. kinley had an uneventful night in the icu. by friday morning kinley would not sit down long enough for her monitor to even get a readying so they let her loose. she was so ready to get out of there and we were sent home before lunch.

i asked the doctors if her little brain would be okay from all the times it was not getting oxygen, and they said only time will tell, but at this point everything looked good! what a blessing!! we have been home since friday noon and she has continued to progress and it back to her normal self. .she actually is eating better then she ever has, and that adorable smile has not left her face! this year has been full of hard trials, but i have my dear family! we have made it through! god has protected us and shown us so much grace! what a way to enter this week of thanksgiving.... i have never been so thankful. i have a husband who even though has a new disease is HERE, he is doing well. THANK YOU LORD. i have 2 beautiful children. we almost lost kya when she was 3 weeks old...but she is HERE! we didn't know if kinley would come out of things okay on thursday...but she is HERE! wow! thank you lord for protecting my family! even though life has not be easy....your love has been GREAT!!